Thursday, February 9, 2012

Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus. part 4

If you have not read the earlier segments of our story…..here is part 1, part 2 and part 3. 

We got to the ER and were filled with fear while we waited to been seen. 

They took us back to a room and the very long night began. 

The entire ER process was awful!  We had a new nurse who was unsure of herself and talked non-stop.  I had to get a catheter and I just about lost it when she was trying to get that situated.  Then she went on to tell us a very inappropriate and insensitive story about one of her friends who lost her baby.  Tim was fuming!!!!

We were there forever!  Frustrated, hungry, scared and needing answers!  Finally the ER doctor came in and gave us her opinion of our ultrasound.  The ER policy is that we are not allowed to see the ultrasound screen and the doctor is not an OB so she could not be certain.  She told us that she found the sac, but the baby was not there.  She told us we would have to go to our OB in the morning.

Words cannot begin to describe how we felt as we walked out of the ER that night.  I have never felt so physically ill and completely helpless in my life. 

Once again we drove home in silence.  I still was not able to cry for some reason.  When we got home, I got into bed.  Next to the bed was the stack of pregnancy books that we had just bought.  I lost it.  I began to sob uncontrollably.  I couldn’t breathe.  What had just happened to us? 

WHY?  WHY? WHY? 

Why did God allow this to happen to us after everything we had been through? I cried myself to sleep eventually. 

I woke up the next morning and was going to try to go to work.  (I have no idea why I did that!)  Tim had to leave for work also.  As I was heading out the door I found a note in my purse.  Tim had been awake most of the night praying and reading the Word.  He wrote me this note that began with “God has a perfect plan for our life and marriage.  I don’t understand it, but I know He does.”  He said some other things and then wrote out this passage of verses in the note.  I have never forgotten them and I cherish them:

“1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”                    Romans 5:1-5

Wow!  I know God gave us those verses.  We clung to them.  The heading in our bible before that passage reads:  Faith Triumphs in Trouble

I ended up not being able to make it through the work day.  I tried really hard, but I couldn’t stop crying.  No one knew what had happened to us because only our immediate family knew I was pregnant.  I just told people I was sick and had to go home. 

That afternoon we went to our OB and she confirmed I did have a miscarriage. 

So, It was official. 

That night was the last night of our revival service at church.  I refused to go.  Absolutely not!  I wanted to sulk at home and cry.  Tim made me go.  I’m so glad he did.  We were supposed to be there.  The message that night was for us.  The songs that night were for us.  And to top it all off, we were able to council a young girl at the end of the service and she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior!  I knew I was supposed to be at church that night.  It was almost as if God was telling Tim and I….just wait…..I have a plan and I love you! 

I slept better that night. 

I wish I could tell you that I was all better after that.  But the healing took awhile. It is definitely a process.  I was not able to complete the miscarriage on my own, so my doctor had to schedule me for a D&C surgery.  My very first surgery. 

After the surgery, my blood work levels were not going down.  They were still reading that I was pregnant.  I had to go into the office every two weeks so they could draw my blood to make sure the levels were going back down.  We were praying so hard and eventually they went back to normal. 

We had crossed into the new year of 2011. 

We would not be welcoming our baby into the world that summer. 

We were starting all over. 

Little did we know some very life changing events were getting ready to take place in the coming months. 

To be continued……

6 comments:

Emily said...

tears are rolling down my cheeks...I am so sorry for the hurting and pain that you and Tim went through! I know it doesn't seem fair at all, but praise the Lord for his faithfulness and word. God is so good...even when at times it doesn't seem like it! His plan is always better than ours! Waiting anxiously for part 5...

Haley Galloway said...

I've been blessed by reading this entire journey. Back in August when I was about 6 weeks along with our son I went to use the bathroom and blood was just pouring out of me. We had to take that same awful trip to the ER and I had a very similar experience with the catheter (so uncomfortable) and a very un-compassionate ultrasound technician. She told us of how she has had several miscarriages and how it was exactly what I'm going through.

It turns out that she was wrong. We even got to see the heartbeat on the screen that day. But I still continued to bleed for 4 agonizing weeks while the doctors told me I may or may not miscarry. It's a miracle that I did not. And now we are almost 35 weeks along with this precious little one.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your first child, but rejoicing with you on your journey to your beautiful little girl! God is so good and so faithful!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that heartache but it sounds like you were really meant to be at that service that night!

Ria @ Life as a Wife! said...

For you to share this is SUCH a blessing and to know that Elenor is safe and sound in your womb makes me cry. GOD IS SO cool... and you have SUCH a testimony, Amanda. Can't wait to read the rest!

Beth Ann said...

Oh my goodness, sweet girl. Bless your heart. You know I've been there. That ER experience you had was horrible and I had a similar one as well. I can tell you that you will never forget that baby and that you will always wonder what he/she would have been like. I can also tell you that when you see Eleanor smile and hold her close, you won't be able to imagine your life without her. :) God is faithful. I think it is horrible and amazing at the same time that we have had such similar experiences and that we learned so much through them. Hugs to you!

Lauren said...

knowing Eleanor is going to be here soon is such an incredible blessing from God! I can't imagine going through what you went through but seriously how awesome is our God?!?