We got to the ER and were filled with fear while we waited to been seen.
They took us back to a room and the very long night began.
The entire ER process was awful! We had a new nurse who was unsure of herself and talked non-stop. I had to get a catheter and I just about lost it when she was trying to get that situated. Then she went on to tell us a very inappropriate and insensitive story about one of her friends who lost her baby. Tim was fuming!!!!
We were there forever! Frustrated, hungry, scared and needing answers! Finally the ER doctor came in and gave us her opinion of our ultrasound. The ER policy is that we are not allowed to see the ultrasound screen and the doctor is not an OB so she could not be certain. She told us that she found the sac, but the baby was not there. She told us we would have to go to our OB in the morning.
Words cannot begin to describe how we felt as we walked out of the ER that night. I have never felt so physically ill and completely helpless in my life.
Once again we drove home in silence. I still was not able to cry for some reason. When we got home, I got into bed. Next to the bed was the stack of pregnancy books that we had just bought. I lost it. I began to sob uncontrollably. I couldn’t breathe. What had just happened to us?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why did God allow this to happen to us after everything we had been through? I cried myself to sleep eventually.
I woke up the next morning and was going to try to go to work. (I have no idea why I did that!) Tim had to leave for work also. As I was heading out the door I found a note in my purse. Tim had been awake most of the night praying and reading the Word. He wrote me this note that began with “God has a perfect plan for our life and marriage. I don’t understand it, but I know He does.” He said some other things and then wrote out this passage of verses in the note. I have never forgotten them and I cherish them:
“1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:1-5
Wow! I know God gave us those verses. We clung to them. The heading in our bible before that passage reads: Faith Triumphs in Trouble
I ended up not being able to make it through the work day. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t stop crying. No one knew what had happened to us because only our immediate family knew I was pregnant. I just told people I was sick and had to go home.
That afternoon we went to our OB and she confirmed I did have a miscarriage.
So, It was official.
That night was the last night of our revival service at church. I refused to go. Absolutely not! I wanted to sulk at home and cry. Tim made me go. I’m so glad he did. We were supposed to be there. The message that night was for us. The songs that night were for us. And to top it all off, we were able to council a young girl at the end of the service and she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior! I knew I was supposed to be at church that night. It was almost as if God was telling Tim and I….just wait…..I have a plan and I love you!
I slept better that night.
I wish I could tell you that I was all better after that. But the healing took awhile. It is definitely a process. I was not able to complete the miscarriage on my own, so my doctor had to schedule me for a D&C surgery. My very first surgery.
After the surgery, my blood work levels were not going down. They were still reading that I was pregnant. I had to go into the office every two weeks so they could draw my blood to make sure the levels were going back down. We were praying so hard and eventually they went back to normal.
We had crossed into the new year of 2011.
We would not be welcoming our baby into the world that summer.
We were starting all over.
Little did we know some very life changing events were getting ready to take place in the coming months.
To be continued……