Monday, January 9, 2012

Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus. Part 2

If you have not read part 1 of our journey through infertility, go here.

Here is part 2:

It’s January 2010.  It has been one year since we started trying to have a baby.

I made an appointment with my doctor for a check up to see if there might be any reason I would have trouble getting pregnant.  My doctor didn’t see any reason why I would have trouble, but she wanted to run a test on me to be sure.  She wanted us to wait a few more months to see if we got pregnant and then if not, come in for this test. 

We did not get pregnant in those months, so we scheduled the test for me in March.  I was going in for an HSG test.  The test runs dye through your fallopian tubes.  X rays are taken as the dye passes through your uterus and tubes.  This will reveal if you might have trouble getting pregnant.  This test was very very uncomfortable.  And was the first time I felt very scared about this whole journey.   The process of getting an HSG was different than anything I had ever done.  I didn’t want to be going through this. 

Thankfully, my test results were good.  But we still had the news about Tim’s problem looming over us. 

Tim went back to the doctor for a consultation to figure out what step we should take.  The doctor wanted to do surgery on Tim to correct his varicocile.  He was positive it would improve our chances of getting pregnant. 

Surgery?!  On his man parts?!  I’m sure you can imagine the fear we were feeling.  Do we really have to do this?  We decided to take some time to think and pray about all this. 

During these months we continued to “try” and do everything under the sun that might help us get pregnant!  We tried cutting caffeine.  We exercised like maniacs.  I never missed a day at taking my temperature.  I would spend hours analyzing my charts.  Just being honest here….we had sex all. the. time.  I read books on getting pregnant.  I joined online communities to get support and ideas.  Most importantly our prayers were  filled with pleas for the Lord to fill my womb.  My journal was filled with prayers, verses, songs and tear stained pages. 

We were living a nightmare in silence. 

Infertility is NOT talked about.  No one knows much about it….unless you personally know someone going through it.  It is a dark and lonely journey. 

I wish I could explain to you the pain that is known through infertility.  Finding out a dear friend is pregnant is just about the most crushing news….though you are truly happy for them.  You sit through baby shower after baby shower for different people and long for that to be you.  You have to sit through Mother’s Day sermons at church and fight back tears while you ache to be included in that blessed group of women.  You hear of numerous babies  being had by unwed teen girls and struggle with anger and questions of why.  You want to punch the next person that asks you when you are having a baby (even though you really wouldn’t do that, because they don’t mean anything by it…but it HURTS!)  You spend an hour on the toilet sobbing when another month has gone by and you find you have got your period again. 

At this point in our journey, we had not talked about this to anyone.  We had truly believed that we would get pregnant soon and still wanted to surprise people!  I think I was also in denial that this was actually happening to us.  It was so hard to understand.  I didn’t understand how we loved the Lord and served Him faithfully and he still hadn’t granted us with this request.  Why can all these other women have babies and not me?  Have I done something wrong?  We spent hours examining ourselves to make sure there was nothing in our life that we thought would keep God from giving us a baby. 

Our faith was tested.  Our prayer life was tested.  Our marriage was tested. 

We went through the summer of 2010 and still all bad news. 

We went on a fun beach vacation and just knew it would happen then!  Everyone says….if you just relax if will happen!  What could be more relaxing than the beach right?  Wrong. 

It’s September (2010) and we decide to schedule Tim’s surgery.  Two days before Tim’s surgery we find out I’m pregnant.

To be continued….


Jessica said...

I can't imagine how hard it was for you and Tim to go through these struggles in private!

Natalie said...

Oh girl, I so vividly remember all of those feelings you described. Wanting and trying to be pregnant and NOT being able to is I truly think, one of the hardest things a woman could go through. So lonely, so depressing, just so so sad. I'm so thankful GOd brought you through that even stronger! Can't wait for part 3!!!

Emily said...

I can't imagine your journey, thank you again for sharing it with us. Can't wait for part 3. God is so good!

Jamie Leigh said...

Oh my you have me on the edge of my seat girl!! Once again, thank you so much for being so open and honest about this painful time in your life...I think it is great for people to hear!!

Tyler and Kristin said...

Thank you for sharing this, I know it can't be easy. I have some friends in similar positions that I want to pass your story along to. I feel so blessed to have gotten pregnant so easily and will NEVER take that for granted. So excited for you and your little one on the way :)

Adam and Wendy said...

I'm with Jamie Leigh, I'm on the edge of my seat ((and I'm soooooooo excited for y'all!!!))

Breeann said...

I know exactly what you mean about how hard it is to suffer in silence...and about how hard it is to watch others get pregnant. I can't wait to hear the rest of your story to see more of how amazing God's timing truly is :) xoxo